Was my caesarean necessary?
“A tiny, little voice deep within me always questioned whether the emergency c-section surgery my body had undergone after ten hours of spontaneous labour, in order for my baby girl to be born was necessary.
I remember hearing this voice distinctly as I lay in the recovery ward immediately following the surgery – my baby looking out at me through the glass from the humidicrib she lay in beside my bed. But the thought that Olivia’s surgical birth was performed without true necessity was too much to bear.
As I look at my face I see that I am smiling, but there is a lack of joy. Of course I felt love for my child straight away, but my mind was distracted and confused. She was cut from my belly. Is that really being “born”? My husband & I were dressed in theatre garments and she was wrapped up tight – only her little crying face peeking out. I craved the feeling of her slippery little body on my breast in that moment and had to work hard in the following months to “find” the mother in me that my baby girl deserved.
A black hole in my heart
There was already a black hole of pain in my heart at all that my baby and I had been robbed of by not allowing her to enter the world through my body and be welcomed immediately on my chest by my warm arms, kisses and soft voice.
However, I COULD NOT allow this black hole to grow – I was scared that it would swallow me and I WOULD NOT let my baby miss out on any more of me. Everyone was telling me how lucky I was that Olivia was healthy and that I should feel grateful that she had been born in a hospital where we could both receive the emergency medical treatment we obviously needed.
My baby needed me – to feed her, laugh with her and devote myself to her. And that’s exactly what I did – and I gained so much contentment and joy from her that I nearly managed to squash that little questioning voice.
Until my brain and body decided that it wanted another baby. I knew then that I had to let that voice be heard.
My grief arises
When I first met Melissa and Debby at Birthtalk I had no idea of the depth of my grief. I was absolutely shocked at the words and feelings and great big sobs that emerged from me that first meeting.
It took a long time – through talking, reading, learning and listening for me to understand and accept Olivia’s birth and how it shaped me as a woman, mother and wife.
Forgiveness & courage
I had to forgive myself. I didn’t want a second pregnancy and birth to “make up” for what I felt I had been taken from me the first time. My second baby didn’t deserve that. The only thing to do was to work hard at all the fears and let them go in order for my second child to be born.
An amazing gift
And due to the truly amazing support I received and all the things I learned my second baby girl was birthed by my body completely free from drugs and interventions.
“My second child had just been born and as we lay together it felt like the rest of the world had stopped and it was just her and I. We both felt blanketed in the warmest, most complete sense of peace and joy that I have ever experienced.”
Ruby’s birth carries with it the same depth of emotion that I felt when Olivia was born, but instead of a black hole, my heart beats in a blindingly white, joyous place of all encompassing peace and warm contentment.”
Kim attended Birthtalk’s “Healing From Birth” meetings before she conceived again, and throughout her second pregnancy. She also completed Birthtalk’s VBAC Course during her pregnancy. She and her husband met with Debby from Birthtalk to go over her Birth Notes & discuss any issues and concerns, as part of her preparation for her second birth.